What the hell is happening? That's what I want to say, every minute of the day. But it's a lie, it's a trick my mind tries to play on my mouth, because I know exactly what is happening. I just don't want to accept it. It's too big, like the death of a child. Something that hits you that can never be prepared for. It's the death of the monolithic, mythic America.
America never was as great as MAGA wants us to believe. It was founded on stolen land and built by enslaved labour. I know these things, I've always known them. It was the idea of what America could be that was great. Liberty and justice for all was worth striving for, which is what I was taught we were there to do. Like all Americans of my generation, I grew up saying the pledge of allegiance every morning, and I meant it. Freedom was my religion.
I come from a services family. The price paid for freedom was vividly evident to me as I grew up. I saw it engraved in my father and maternal grandfather most of all. Both of them were in their unique ways shaped by their experience with war. My Grandpa was an air force mechanic in World War II, serving in France and Japan. My father, Lawrence, was in the Vietnam War and it ruined him. It broke the humanity in him and as his daughter I bore the brunt of it. He was a highly decorated war hero, personally decorated by two different U.S. presidents. After his two tours in Vietnam he taught marksmanship and military strategy at West Point Academy. It doesn't get more Army than that. As an adult I learned that my paternal grandfather was in the CIA so clearly this runs in our family.
I never lived with my Dad. He left my mother when I was born, I wasn't the son he wanted to follow in his footsteps. So my Grandpa stepped in to the place a father would be. His service history was different, it was non-violent and left him with deep loathing for political posturing and needless violence. He was a noble, kind man who cemented the values of freedom I pledged allegiance to each day. Freedom, equality, justice for all was sacred.
I saw my father erratically. When I was very young his PTSD was explained to me, though the terminology wasn't used then. My mother, who never stopped worshipping him, taught me that his neglect of me, the fear he instilled in me, his cruel words, were all to be endured with loving acceptance, because he had been broken on the alter of the freedom we all enjoyed. When I was a teenager he took me to a shooting range and taught me how to use guns. He said I was a natural and a better shot than most of his students at West Point. I think that was the first compliment he ever gave me. Some of my earliest memories are of sitting at his beautiful formal dining table, listening to details of "seek and cull missions".
All of that pain endured, just to end up here. What a waste. Trump and his MAGA movement have murdered the notion of freedom and justice for all in America. It is my belief that we're on the precipice of a huge international conflict - dare I say - war. My husband and son are English born, I'm a British resident with indefinite leave to remain, but still a U.S. citizen. I've been living in England for 25 years but I still travel on an American passport. This isn't okay anymore, I don't feel safe and secure. We're applying for my British citizenship now, as fast as we can, because I'm not all that sure that the U.S. and U.K. will end up on the same side of this new world war. America isn't home to me anymore, I'd probably be arrested at the border if I tried to go home. But it isn't my home, I don't recognise the country anymore. It's dead, and I'm grieving the loss. This is where we're at and it's hard to comprehend.
This is the time where we have to ready ourselves for what's to come. Learn about the resistance movements throughout history. Find your talents and be ready to use them to protect your tribe. Buy a few extra essentials when you do your weekly shop. Practise aggressive self care. The social contract has been broken, don't be a martyr to the memory of it.
Here is a short suggested reading list for anyone who wants to know more:
War: How Conflict Shaped Us by Margaret MacMillan
How to Blow Up a Pipeline by Andreas Malm
Resistance: The Underground War Against Hitler, 1939 - 1945 by Halik Kochansnki
